The Next Step

During graduate school, suicide prevention became a passion of mine. Having had thoughts of committing suicide before (way back when in high school) and then watching as several of the students I worked with struggled with thoughts of suicide and finally getting the text message from someone I care a lot about saying that he was ready to end his life, I decided that I didn't want to sit back anymore and watch helplessly as the people I cared about (both professionally and personally) had thoughts of feeling alone or outcast or felt as if life in itself had no value and that the only solution was to end life permanently.

The first step I took after making this goal for myself was to become certified as a QPR Gatekeeper for Suicide Prevention. Now, I have decided to take it to the next level by completing additional training and serving as a crisis intervention volunteer online through the IMAlive network. One of the things I would eventually like to do is return to graduate school for a 2nd Master's degree in Counseling. This is part of reaching that goal.

Wish me luck! (And if you have some extra monies laying around, if all goes well with the interview with the IMAlive team, I'll be fundraising for the $250 training cost).

~Joshua

Worth the Wait

I have heard it said before that if something is worth having, it's worth waiting for. I've never really payed a lot of attention to that saying before. We live in a fast paced society where everything moves so quickly and things are obtained almost instantly as long as one has the means to acquire them. While this holds true for most material objects, life simply doesn't work that way.

Sometimes you have to wait. Things take time. Life happens, and it takes time and patience to get and keep what you value and treasure. In the end, though, it will be worth the effort, worth the patience, worth the stress....it will be worth the wait.

I'm finally beginning to realize the importance of that saying. I've found something that I'm willing to wait for. If the saying holds true, the wait will will be worth everything.

So....I'll keep waiting.

~Joshua

PS: This has nothing to do with coming out to my parents. I think I've waited long enough for that. I'm going home this weekend, and I fully intend to tell them everything. :)

Like a Thief

Like a Thief
Joshua Starks

Like a thief in the night you came
Searching for a thing of value.
For my most prized possession.
To find it, you had to know me.
And you did.
To hold it, I had to trust you.
And I did.
I gave it to you for safe keeping.
I trusted you to protect it.
To cherish it.
And you did.
In exchange, I had to make you a promise.
And I did.
Like a thief in the night you came.
I gave you my love.
And you stole my heart….forever.
Like a thief.

31 August 2011

The Mirror

It's two days away. This weekend, I'm going home, and I plan on telling my parents that I'm gay. I've been living under the stress of two lives for almost two years now, and I hid my true self from everyone long before that. When I started coming out to my close friends and eventually started living the life I was meant to in Springfield, I began to want that life back in my hometown where my family is too. My sister-in-law found out on accident, but was accepting. About a week ago, my brother also found out and has also accepted who I am. Now I feel like I'm ready to tell my parents.



The Mirror
Joshua Starks

Looking through the glass in fear
It’s pain I see inside the mirror.
The life I live is filled with lies
It’s hard to look you in the eyes.
I know it’s who I’m meant to be
And now I have to make you see.
The face inside the mirror is real.
It’s not the way I chose to feel.
I love you so I cannot hide
The way I really feel inside.
Think about it from my view
And know the words I speak are true.
The double life has finally passed
The mirror shows my face at last.
For your reaction, I sit and wait
Hoping love turns not to hate
Just know that when the day is done:
Mom and Dad, I’m still your son.

30 August 2011

Life

So, I have this little book that has various writing prompts in it and asks you to write about them for 15-20 minutes each. Just to get the writing groove going. Since it's almost 4am (and I cheated by using something that I'd written way back when in the previous post), I decided I'd go with one of these prompts.

Life

People tend to take for graded all that life has to offer. Despite how cliche it all might sound, you only get to live once, so you have to learn how to treasure each and every moment. Life has its fair share of curve balls to throw out along the way. Major unexpected changes, deaths of loved ones, financial hardships, and so much more. All of these things have a disheartening effect on the quality of life, but keep living.

The good things that life has to offer far outweigh the curve balls and hardships. While it's true that life is not always easy, life is always worth it. Treasure every breath and every moment that takes your breath away. When life throws out a curve ball that seems too big to handle, don't give up on the game. Reach out to those that value you. Hold on to the ones that mean the most. The best thing about living is that you never do it alone. There's always someone out there that wants to be there for you. Someone that cares when it seems like the world is falling in on you.

Remember to enjoy the great things in life and to learn from the worst parts of life. Share your life with the people that matter most.

Maze of Broken Dreams

This is something older (way back when in the high school years). Let's just say I used to be a very unhappy teenager, and I hid it well. I'm in a much better place now, and I want to eventually get a 2nd Master's degree in Counseling, so I can better help people that are in a similar state of mind.

Maze of Broken Dreams
By: Joshua Starks

Lost inside a maze of broken dreams
My fears call out; my soul it screams
I’ve shut the door and locked the gate
I’ve made myself the thing I hate
I can’t get out, can’t shed this skin
Of hidden feelings trapped within

I’m poisoned by the things I hide
There’s nothing left but pain inside
Locked inside a dream I can’t survive
I think “Why bother to stay alive?”
It’s too hard to be so fake
I fear my life’s a big mistake

Is there hope inside my painful thoughts?
Am I in too deep, a cause that’s lost?
I’ve wished so long for better days
Yet here I am inside this maze
I cannot breathe, I cannot see
A place inside this world for me

Painful thoughts corrode my soul
All that’s left are burning holes
All I need is one sharp knife
Two small cuts would end my life
Is this the way it’s going to end?
Consumed by darkness from within?

“It doesn’t have to end today.”
I hear somewhere along the way
It’s because of you, I found my light
No longer alone, my pain I fight
You came to me inside my dreams
And pointed me to better things


April 24, 2002

What's This About?

If you're reading this right now, it's because I'm attempting to get myself back in the habit of writing on a regular basis (aka daily or semi-daily....weekly at the least, but daily is the goal for now). I created this blog, so I'd have a place to share those writings with people.

Writing has always been a stress reliever for me, and I find that I'm able to reflect on things that go on from day to day when I write. If you keep up with what I write (I'll post a link to each post on Facebook. Read if you want. Don't read if you don't want to. :D), you'll see a variety of things from poems (they don't happen often, and they're probably not that great. They do happen from time to time, though), fiction, reflections on a certain topic, ramblings, etc. Whatever my inner muse decides to toss out there.

Feel free to leave comments if you'd like to let me know what you think.